“I dreamt about her again.”

Shauna cocked her head, strands of her blonde hair trickling forth from behind her ear. I watched her brow lower ever so slightly, with scrutiny, or uncertainty, or both.

“Her?” Shauna repeated.

“Lily,” I clarified, though I felt it was obvious who I was talking about.

“When?” she asked.

I thought about the multitude of vivid dreams I’d experienced over the last two weeks, untangling them like a box of electronics cables. It was a fruitless exercise.

“Three days ago,” I guessed, somewhat arbitrarily.

“I see,” Shauna said thoughtfully, “and?”

I took a sharp breath through my nose and hesitated.

How much should I tell her?

I thought about the situation carefully, giving myself the time and space to craft a calculated response.

“I don’t know,” I said finally.

It was the most useless thing I could’ve possibly said.

Shauna smiled reassuringly, her hazel eyes glowing as the afternoon sun caught her irises in just the right way.

“What happened in your dream?” she asked, guiding me.

I sighed, turning away from her as I shrunk into the leather couch.

“A lot,” I admitted. “It was one of those dreams that felt like it spanned an entire lifetime. We were together, and we were… happy, and everything felt so perfect.”

I looked at the mint-green wallpaper, and the posters and photos that lined her office wall.

“Everything felt so real,” I continued, “and then when I woke up, I felt like I had fallen asleep from reality, and my life was now the dream.”

I swallowed, my ears growing hot with embarrassment.

“I’m sorry, that probably doesn’t make any sense at all,” I said, shaking my head.

Shauna shook her head.

“I think I understand,” she replied, smiling. “Did anything in particular happen in this dream?”

I nodded, but the words wouldn’t come out.

“Take your time,” Shauna encouraged.

A storm of emotions churned within me. I felt like I was in a glass house, watching tornados twist across the landscape, precariously insulated from the wrath that would inevitably destroy me.

“She apologized to me,” I said at last.

Shauna cocked her head.

“Lily did?”

“Yeah,” I nodded.

Shauna nodded as well, mirroring me.

“And what did she apologize for?” Shauna pressed.

I shook my head.

“Everything,” I told her, feeling shame bubbling forth. “She apologized for everything that happened, and all the feelings that she left with me.”

I shut my eyes tightly as I let myself fall back into my memories of her: Lily’s lips, her gentle smile, her piercing eyes.

It was intoxicating.

It was nauseating.

“And what did you feel?” Shauna asked. “When she apologized to you?”

I swallowed, leaning forward in my chair.

“It felt… cathartic. It made me wish that…”

My voice got caught in my throat, as if refusing to allow the thought to leave my mouth. In my mind, the thought was safe, but the moment I spoke it, the moment I allowed it to exist in the world, I knew I would never be able to take it back.

“I apologized, too,” I said, pivoting. “And then um… I told her that I loved her.”

I wiped my eyes.

“I told her that I loved her, and that I had always loved her, and that I would always love her.”

My body felt hot, my hands trembling, as I glanced back up at Shauna.

I expected her to look angry, or disappointed with me.

But instead, she just nodded.

“And what did Lily say?” Shauna asked.

I looked out the window, toward the cityscape and the distant mountains.

“She said she loved me, too,” I replied, my voice weak and mouselike. “And then the dream was over.”

Shauna took a deep breath, her eyes kind and empathetic.

“And Viri?” she asked. “Was she in this dream?”

Her question dripped with curiosity, but I was relieved to hear no disappointment, no worry, no judgment in her voice.

“Yeah,” I said, smiling. “Yeah, she was.”

My voice grew silent, my words taken away from me by a specter.

Shauna nodded.

“In your dream, did Viri know that you were planning to run away with Lily?” she asked.

I laughed abruptly before I stopped myself.

“Sorry,” I apologized quickly. “Um, no. She didn’t know. But also, in my dream, I think… maybe she would’ve been okay with it?”

Shauna’s finger twitched, and I wondered if she wanted to jot something down in her notebook.

“Is that weird?” I asked, feeling somewhat vulnerable.

“Do you feel weird about it?” Shauna replied.

“No,” I said quickly.

I fidgeted in my seat, crossing and uncrossing my legs, then crossing my ankles, then folding both hands in my lap.

“I mean, no,” I elaborated, “it’s just a dream, right? So, it doesn’t really matter what happens in it. Right?”

Shauna pursed her lips, then smiled.

“If you don’t think it’s weird, I don’t think it’s weird,” she said.

I smiled, too.

Shauna leaned in, placing her elbows on her knees.

“And… Theo?”

I looked away from her.

“What about him?” I said.

“Does he have any thoughts about your… dream?” she asked.

I grimaced.

I could feel something stir in the back of my mind.

“I don’t know,” I said flatly.

“Haven’t talked to him about it?” she pressed.

“Haven’t talked to him at all,” I explained.

She nodded in an empathetic way.

I wondered if she practiced her gestures, her expressions, to make them as comforting and calming as possible.

“Did you tell Viri about your dream?” Shauna asked.

“No,” I replied sheepishly.

“How come?” Shauna challenged.

I clenched my jaw.

“I… I don’t know,” I admitted.

I usually told Viri everything, but…

I squeezed my fingers together.

“What feelings are coming up, right now?” Shauna pressed.

I laughed, shaking my head.

She had caught me with my feelings unguarded.

“Shame,” I admitted. “A lot of shame.”

Shauna nodded understandingly.

“You just told me that it doesn’t matter since it was just a dream, so why do you feel shame?”

My spiraling thoughts collided into a horrific traffic pileup in my mind.

“Yeah,” I said, shrugging. “Stupid, right?”

“Not stupid,” she corrected. “Honest. Your feelings are real. They’re not right or wrong, they simply exist to guide you.”

I resisted the temptation to roll my eyes. I didn’t know how many times I’d heard this sentiment by now, and I didn’t like always having my feelings validated.

“Why do you feel shame?” Shauna asked, checking her watch.

I checked mine, too.

We were running out of time.

“Sorry,” she said quickly.

“It’s okay,” I replied. “Um…”

I blinked a few times, confused.

Why did I feel shame?

“I don’t know,” I shrugged. “I guess it just felt… wrong? Like even though it was a dream, I was cheating on her. It felt like I was betraying her trust, somehow.”

“Even though it was just a dream,” Shauna confirmed.

“Even though it was just a dream,” I repeated.

That wasn’t the only source of shame, of course.

I was also ashamed of all the problems I had constantly caused for Viri. How I was always dragging her down, always making her worry.

And even though she never complained, I knew the tedium of taking care of me.

I could see flashes of pain in her eyes every time I needed her. I could see the toll I was taking on her, day after day, chipping away at her, bit by bit.

Or maybe I was just projecting.

“Did you love her?” Shauna asked.

I cocked an eyebrow.

“Lily,” she clarified. “Did you love her, in your dream?”

“Yeah,” I admitted, much faster than I would’ve liked. “Of course I did.”

“Did you love her the same way you love Viri?” Shauna asked.

I thought about it, even though I already knew the answer.

“No,” I said. “It was…”

I closed my eyes as the memory of warmth flooded my heart. I thought of Lily’s eyes on me, the feeling of her arms around me, the way that being with her felt even more natural than being alone.

“Viri’s love feels like a warm embrace. It feels like home,” I explained. “But… with Lily… it’s like an all consuming fire. Like the moment the flame licks my skin, it devours me, and it drags me in until there’s nothing left of me.”

When I opened my eyes again, Shauna wore a curious expression. If I didn’t know any better, I would’ve said that it looked like pride.

“It takes a lot to admit that,” she remarked.

“I guess so,” I said, looking away from her.

It felt strange to be praised for admitting something that felt so shameful.

Viri deserved better than this.

She deserved better than me.

“Do you still love Lily?” Shauna asked at last.

And I grew silent.

My eyes drifted toward the window, toward the tree outside, and I watched the way the light from the sun danced between the leaves.

And then I let my gaze focus beyond the leaves, upon the beautiful blue canvas stretched across the sky.

Always there. Always beautiful.

Always out of reach.

I watched as a crow took to the skies, its black wings beating as it soared toward the heavens, alone.

And I imagined what it would feel like to join it.

And just…

Disappear.